Surfs Up

I’ve been noticing the past few years that there is a plethora of people wearing, and I gag when I say this, Hawaiian Shirts. This is for the uninitiated and uninformed. Let’s get this straight from the start, they are not Hawaiian Shirts, they are Aloha shirts. That’s part of the deal dudes and dudettes; you got to get the lingo right if you’re going to live the life! I mean, if you’re really want to be Coola phonic, going to hang 5, cruise in your bitchin’ Woody with your bunny, and hang out with the Big Kahuna you got to get it down.

So dudes and dudettes, here’s the lowdown on the greatest fashion in the world.

First, and this is cardinal. NEVER (in caps for a reason) tuck in your Aloha shirt. That is akin to wearing white socks with your sandals…c’mon dudes.

Second, Aloha shirts should not have creases in them; it defeats the entire aura of wearing them. If you’re going to be wearing an Aloha shirt with a crease in it you miss the whole point!

Third and this one could be open for discussion if you were writing this blog, but you’re not, the pen is mighty Third is material. Rayon is king; it is the material of the shirt. Silk is number two, and cotton, well, if it’s going to be cotton you ain’t hit the groove yet.

Fourth, the type of prints used on your shirt. This is a hard one to explain, and it is where the laid back dudes are separated from the suits. Prints are intuitive, you either got it or you don’t. Unlike many things this can’t be taught. A few definite no go’s are shirts with Tabasco bottles on them, shirts with square and boxes on them (get it? Squares?), and shirts with NASCAR cars on them, sorry dudes, they just don’t’ cut it.

You should also know a few things if you’re wearing an Aloha shirt. You should be able to hum some Alfred Alpaka tunes, know where the Aloha Shirt Museum is, know some of the history of the shirt, and obviously know some Jimmy Buffet songs by heart. It helps too if you can strum a uke, and wear Roy Orbison Ray Bans.

I hope this helps, remember, Aloha is a state of mind.

Fact, not Fiction

In spite of a graduate level corporate finance class, I’m still retaining bits and pieces of my mind. Not many and it’s taking me more time to get them firing than in the past, but thankfully I sense that there is still cognitive functioning taking place.


Recently I have come to some proven facts and conclusions. Just the other night I was able to verify that there is a difference between malt and a shake. I always thought that it was true, but after having a shake last night, as opposed to malt, I can say yes.

Malts are made with the same basic ingredients as a shake, but it is the addition of malt powder that makes them what they are. Malt powder is a creation of it’s own which was developed by Horliks, of Chicago (yes, my city of origin, which is also home to Bozo the Clown, Garfield Goose and other cultural icons), in the 1920’s. Its original intent was to influence young children to drink more milk!

Here is another fact that I have been able to verify, the best way to play “Knockin’ on Heavens Door” is on a Fender Telecaster. No argument, no reservation, no hesitation, and as Tex Earnhardt, a Phoenix cultural icon of the past used to say, “No Bull”. Why someone like Avril Lavigne (I have no idea who she is) would try to do a version of this song is beyond me.

Another morsel, Orange Julius’ does still exist! This was another creation of the 1920’s, from California. However, the modern version of the drink is sans raw egg….because consuming raw eggs may lead to sickness, insanity, or compulsive laundry washing.

I do have a lot of food facts, I’ve made a living from food my entire life, except for a brief period in the ‘80’s when I sorted peridot. Lobsters do not scream when you put them in a pot, I know, I’ve done it to hundreds of them. KFC doesn’t raise special chickens with no feet or beaks – where in the world did that one come from? Blue food is very unpopular, check it out, when was the last time you ate something blue?

Strawberries are nearly impossible to cut when they have been frozen inside Baked Alaska, and it will embarrass the Maître d, who will then throw a knife at you. If you’re almost all the way home the night before Thanksgiving, and suddenly remember that you forgot to cook off all of the pumpkin pies for the next day, you better grab a six, or twelve pack, head back to work and start baking. Chances are you’ll meet the AM Sous Chef on his way in as you are on your way out.

This one is a classic that I proved myself. Riding lawnmowers will bounce at least twice off the freeway. I forgot that I did have a short lived landscaping career after graduating from high school.

Once I finish this finance class I’m starting the book….stay tuned.